I'm not sure what my turning point was...most likely it was ending a 3 year long relationship and putting up a huge wall to keep out all intimacy and become emotionless when it came to the opposite sex. At that time I wanted to be single and find happiness within myself before moving on and dating someone new. So that's what happened. I stopped looking for a boy to love and focused on loving myself.
When I finally was ready to date I still kept my walls up. I took everything for what it was. Whether it was a boy to hang out with, be friends with, waste a Friday night with or just text with, I did it all emotionless. Of course there were exceptions to this. I did develop feelings for one guy during this time...but for the most part I didn't let anyone in and morphed into a girl I've never been before.
Kissing was emotionless and dates were just something to do. To me kissing a guy was like shaking their hand, it was meaningless affection. So here is where it gets weird.
I do not hold hands with guys. I refuse to. If a guy tried to hold my hand on a first date, I would freak out and take my hand away. I would usually laugh at them and say "I don't do that" and then continue making out with them. Ummmm what? Hot mess.
|Just a normal convo with my Mom haha|
Also, I sometimes get ghetto as a joke.
I wouldn't normally say "ain't nobody"
At least twice I was hooking up with someone and while things were happening they grabbed my hand to hold it. I freaked and ran away from the situation. WHY? Mostly because I wanted to be emotionless and holding hands for me is very intimate. If I hold your hand then I realllllly like you which means my walls are coming down and I'm more susceptible to getting hurt. If I have written you off as something that will never be serious, then don't try to hold my hand or I will run away from you. Which has happened countless times.
I'm not the only person who has this opinion! Who remembers Samantha from Sex and the City?? She didn't want to hold Smith's hand for the same reasons!
So what now? Basically, I still feel the same way. Hand holding is something intimate that should be shared with someone you have feelings for. If you go around holding everyone's hand than it becomes a norm and that's not my style. I want it to be special and have meaning. People think I'm weird because I would always say "OMG he tried to hold my hand!!! Ewwww" but that's just how I am. Maybe it is weird, but it's me.
Recently I've found someone worth holding hands with, and we do it all the time and it's fabulous. I'm so glad that I limited my hand holding in the past, it just makes it so much more special now that I waaant to hold someones hand. More on that to come. :)